Oh hello again Life, nice of you to drop by

I woke up this morning with a headache and sick to my stomach.  Since I couldn’t get solid food down reliably, I decided to stay home from school.  A friend in the class got recordings of the lectures that I can get off of her later this week, so I should be ok.

Around 2:00 pm I found out that my bestie killed himself sometime last night or early this morning.  This is the same one who’s girlfriend killed herself when she broke up with him and he wouldn’t take her back.  She blamed him, several of her friends blamed him and left abusive comments for him to read on facebook, and he blamed himself.  Now he is dead.  I now realise that he cut me out of his life because he knew that I’d be able to tell when he was serious about doing it.  He is very good at fooling people, but hasn’t been able to fool me.  The others let their guard down because he did a very good job of playing “okay”.  I don’t blame them, even if they had watched him like hawks for months they would have eventually grown weary.  Being on suicide watch is exhausting.  He would have waited for them to lower their guard and done it when he saw his opening.  He was a stubborn asshole.  I place all of the blame squarely on his shoulders.  Just like I place all the blame for his ex’s suicide squarely on her shoulders.  Nobody can MAKE a person commit suicide, it is a choice.  It is a selfish choice, quite possibly the most selfish choice that a human can make.  She abused him and he was left quite utterly warped when she was done.  Now they are both dead.  I wish like hell that she had never existed, or that she had succeeded the first time she tried to kill herself and so never existed in my bestie’s world.

I’m going to see a councillor this week.  The funeral is looking like it will be next Monday (a week from today).  Until then, I have things that won’t stop just because some selfish jackass decided that killing himself was the answer to his problems.  There is an Anatomy test next Wednesday to study for, an Anatomy lab this week and next that I can’t miss, and final exams to study for.


Anatomy Test Day

That’s right, today I had my anatomy practical test.  We were given 15 slides, with three questions each, two minutes per slide.  Each slide had a picture of limb either in a live animal, dissected cadaver, cleaned bone, or radiograph.  As I’m sure you can count, there were 45 questions, of which I missed 11 (mostly nerves, which I now know I need to study harder).  Again, I’m sure you can figure out the math yourselves but that gives me a 75% on the first test, which is passing.  I am happy with this.  Part of me really wanted to study harder and be disappointed with my mark because for the past two years I have been striving for those A’s, but now that I’m in I can focus more on learning the important concepts and as long as I do well enough to pass I will be okay.  I don’t need to be perfect on paper.  Nobody is going to come into my clinic and want to see my transcripts.  All anyone from here on out is going to see is that I graduated.  It might hurt my chances of getting a competitive residency or PhD program, but I’m okay with that right now.  All I really need now is to stay healthy and get through.  Everything else can come in time.


Classes today were pretty average.  Started talking about cat behaviour problems in first lecture, most of which have to do with marking (spraying, urinating, defecating, clawing) and most of that is due to anxiety.  Second lecture was about the endocrine system.  I don’t really like this professor’s lecture style.  While he is much more interesting to listen to, I am finding it difficult to take notes in class because of his lack of structure.  Other people have had similar complaints so I’m not the only one feeling a bit weird about him.  He’s not a bad lecturer, I just don’t have the experience to deal with his style of teaching.  Third lecture was anatomy and we tried to get him to do a tutorial for the test, but instead we learned about the distal limb (carpal and metacarpal joints and bones) which was interesting but again, difficult to take notes to.


After lectures was the test, which I have already told you about, and then after the test I took the bus home.  My bestie came over and we hung out for a few hours (first time in weeks that we have actually hung out) and it was really nice.  We played Bioshock and talked nonsense and bantered back and forth while eating sweettarts that my mum sent me from the states.  Then he left to get dinner and I gave him money to bring me back food.  Fried rice is my favourite stress time food.  It doesn’t matter how not hungry I am from being stressed to death, Golden Takeaways fried rice always sounds good.  And it reheats nicely too.


Now it is time to do a bit more physiology study before bed.  Tomorrow is the physio test and then I’m done with tests until after the mid-semester break.

Round 3: FIGHT!

Week number three has started, and I still don’t really feel any different.  I mean, I’m a vet student now.  Illustrious, much sought after, with all the rights and responsibilities that go with.  And yet, here I am, just me, still confused and a procrastinator and not nearly as confident as I thought I would be.  Impostor Syndrome is definitely rearing its ugly head more often than not.  I am having fun in all of my classes, but somehow it still feels like I have no idea what’s going on. Part of that is probably because most of the things we have covered have been review and so I haven’t actually studied much, but that is only part of it.


At VLE the vets who were the staff told us that they STILL struggle with impostor syndrome, so I shouldn’t be too surprised that I have these feelings, but some days I do wonder if I’m cut out for it.  Knowing that my third year friends feel the same way helps.  Knowing that there are others with pain issues and physical limitations helps.  Knowing that one of my flatmates has the same fainting problem that I have (standing for too long, yay poor circulation) helps a little, but not much.  I’m reasonably sure that I’m the only one with as many problems as I have.  Does that mean that I’m not cut out to be a vet?  Only time will tell I guess.


We have a 5th year vet student from Germany staying with us for a month.  He is here doing his internship (externship?)  before going back and finishing his program.  He has been here since Friday night, and I still don’t remember his name.  I wonder if he ever feels like an impostor.  He says he isn’t going straight into practice when he graduates, that he is going to apply for a post-grad position or something, so maybe he is confident and secure and Germans are just better at stuff than we are.  Or not.


My weekend was ok, I didn’t study much and didn’t really go do anything.  I went to the farmer’s market on Sunday, but only got a couple apples to hopefully put in my oatmeal.  I was going to get a drying rack for inside the house, but I wasn’t feeling well so I didn’t make it to the store.


Classes today were good, uneventful.  There was a new lecturer in anatomy to teach us about radiography.  There was also a new lecturer in biochemistry, to teach us about metabolism.  Everything else was pretty basic.  I got the info that I need to renew my visa, and I signed my loan check so that my tuition can be paid.


Now it’s time for me to go to bed because tomorrow is my longest day and I don’t want to add poor night’s sleep to the list of reasons why I feel terrible after lab.