I woke up this morning with a headache and sick to my stomach. Since I couldn’t get solid food down reliably, I decided to stay home from school. A friend in the class got recordings of the lectures that I can get off of her later this week, so I should be ok.
Around 2:00 pm I found out that my bestie killed himself sometime last night or early this morning. This is the same one who’s girlfriend killed herself when she broke up with him and he wouldn’t take her back. She blamed him, several of her friends blamed him and left abusive comments for him to read on facebook, and he blamed himself. Now he is dead. I now realise that he cut me out of his life because he knew that I’d be able to tell when he was serious about doing it. He is very good at fooling people, but hasn’t been able to fool me. The others let their guard down because he did a very good job of playing “okay”. I don’t blame them, even if they had watched him like hawks for months they would have eventually grown weary. Being on suicide watch is exhausting. He would have waited for them to lower their guard and done it when he saw his opening. He was a stubborn asshole. I place all of the blame squarely on his shoulders. Just like I place all the blame for his ex’s suicide squarely on her shoulders. Nobody can MAKE a person commit suicide, it is a choice. It is a selfish choice, quite possibly the most selfish choice that a human can make. She abused him and he was left quite utterly warped when she was done. Now they are both dead. I wish like hell that she had never existed, or that she had succeeded the first time she tried to kill herself and so never existed in my bestie’s world.
I’m going to see a councillor this week. The funeral is looking like it will be next Monday (a week from today). Until then, I have things that won’t stop just because some selfish jackass decided that killing himself was the answer to his problems. There is an Anatomy test next Wednesday to study for, an Anatomy lab this week and next that I can’t miss, and final exams to study for.